oh dear, how many times have i thought about running away? alot. alot of times i have. how i’ll go to that minnie mouse bag under my makeup desk and start to pull clothes out of my wardrobe. then i’ll think, this wont be enough? What were you thinking. But then i wont want to pull out all of my clothes, just incase i never end up running anyway. I don’t do it of course, getting out of their sight would be like mission impossible. Also i think that i’d miss them to much, even if i feel the most negative towards them at times. My parents i mean. my dad is ok, because he understands, which in someways can be the worst of things, because if something is done wrong, or not understood in the correct manner, it hurts ten times as much when you can’t get a hug off the one you always go to. My mum on the contrary is alot different, almost like she’s forgotten what it was like to have a childhood, like she can’t feel anyone elses emotions, only her own. Don’t get me wrong i love them both to bits, but it’s like they expect a perfect child. And i’m not, i never will be. You have to trust me on this one when i say i wish i was normal. So bad. i love being me of course weird and wacky, i know that sounds like i’m contradiciting myself, but i’m not.
I’d give anything to be normal, to be able to eat without having that that idea that theres a possiblilty that i might be ill swimming through the back of my mind. I never am ill after. But sometimes i think about it anyway. And sometimes i’ll have to tell myself. “i refuse to be ill, i will not be ill, i do not feel ill” when i say that the thought goes a way. which proves i’m going slightly mad as i am talking to myself.
i’d love to be fatter. i’m so skinny. it hurts to have to watch my mum wipe her smeared makeup because once i’ve said i’m not hungry at t he dinner table, she’ll assume that the horrible incedent which happened a year ago is taking place once again. When infact it’s not. It’s me being pathetic or filling myself up on junkfood. It’s a fear. And i try so hard to get rid of it. But i can’t. I envy people who can go to sleepovers, eat in restaurants and travel abroad. I can’t. Because i’m scared. I’m scared of something i know isn’t going to happen. How pathetic is that?! But i do anyway. It’s horrible. i hate it.
i’d love to be normal.
not have a fear of doing things, and just live life by breaking the rules and doing what i WANT to do. You know. the midn really is a powerful thing. It stopped m eating for two weeks once. Yes that’s right, two weeks. And while on holiday in rome once i lived off Pizza and nutrigrain bars because my mind told me i would be ill if i ate anything else. When in fact, once i had distracted myself watching CNN, i managed to eat an entire huge happy meal without realising.
i hate what mind tricks i have on me. it causes great pain to me, which nobody else seems to feel. They can sympathise yes. i don’t like that. Taking pity on me because i’m messed up slightly? that’s not fair on them, they have their lives too, why worry about mine, i only tell people because sometimes talking helps, sometimes it doesn’t. Why do you think i’m typing this all now?
But nobody actually knows what i go through, and what pain it causes to others like my family. I can say i’m sorry, but it makes no difference. i hate it. i really do.
so, i think of running away from time to time, ease their minds, stop the worry. but i’d miss them too much. And they’d worry too. So i don’t i really wish i didn’t have these mind games. But i do. Sometimes. Sometimes it’ll be nice to me, and let me get on with life. Others it’ll haunt me. But that’s on very rare occasions nowadays :).
thing i like about tumblr is, your not writing to anyone, it just gives you time to express yourself without having to impress others, it’s somewhere to write your thoughts down, for being you. Not to anyone else, just yourself. <3
Sometimes. in the scene of the moment. All you want to do. Is sit in pure silence, and feel the bliss of it. I know, it sounds insane. But when i’m angry, or sad. i don’t hit or yell. i go to my garage. Yeah, even in this weather. and i sit with my pets, and talk to them. I know it’s like talking to a wall. But they understand me. It makes me feel better to know that when their eyes meet mine. They felt something.
It’s like going underwater. When your above it you hear the noise of the crowd, and the screams of the girls. But as soon as you take that breath, and put your head under. It goes. All you hear are your thoughts, the sound of the water rushing past your ears as you swim and the pure bliss of silence. It sounds stupid. But it’s good to hear the silence.
When you realise what life really is about. Laughter, Love, and breaking the rules. Life’s not fair. Everyone will know it. But when you experience it? That’s a different matter. It’s like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.
Silence lets me understand things, and think about life. If anyone will see it the way i do.
I’m such a child aswell, little stories like disney cartoons get to me. i always get the message. they get to me, and i wonder if anyone else understands them like i do.
Like when people see the stars they see light millions of miles away. i see that too, only more. I see a peace for someone who’s lost someone close. I see a wonder that dances in my eyes, wondering. Screw blackberrys. Look at this?! i feel like i’m the only one.
So i sit, in silence, wondering about life, and what discoveries we are yet to unfold.
Like is this all real? do the people i see really exist? Will i ever feel there emotions. Will i come back as someone else? Am i strange for believeing weird things?
Am i different to everyone else? Yes. i’m me. i wouldn’t have it any other way.
And when i’m there, in the pure bliss of it. Silence i mean. Letting a laugh out to myself. Or a tear roll down my cheek. I remember i’m me, i have no regrets, because it makes me who i am today. i’m me. And i always will be. i love my friends, family no matter how cruel or loving they are to me. i’m me. i love my personality and who i am. Because i am me.
And despite loving the noise, and the sounds that one hears everyday, or even the sounds one hears once in a lifetime. i love the silence. it lets me realise things that i took a while to realise myself. i love the silence.
“imprinting on someone, is like, like when you see her, everything changes. All of a sudden it’s not gravity holding you to the planet. It’s her. Nothing else matters. You would do anything, be anything for her.”— The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. - Jacob Black
it’s a real shame isn’t it? that directors know how real men should act. And we speak of it all the time. But men just. Don’t care? There are some who care. But their like water in a desert. Really hard to find.